.:: Better Than The Great Outdoors- BBA2 ::.

If I had my way, these are some of the headlines you’d see: Double Loss Mazongoto! First the dime, then the dame! Max-imum Loss. Okay, here’s the article now…I just love how things played out last week, don’t you? Max’s eviction was facilitated by pretty much the whole continent. The only people that didn’t want him out were his countrymates. I can’t blame them; I wouldn’t want that dude back in my country either.

His second eviction was brought on by himself. “What second eviction?” I hear you ask, well, his little stint in the house went and sullied things between him and his fiancé and girlfriend of four years. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting, Suli!
Zambia’s The Post interviewed her and she said she too had evicted him from her heart. Not in those words.

She stated: “He slept with Lerato in his sober state and how do I take that as a lady?”

I’m guessing “Badly”.
No lady wants to see their man get it on with a South African Hippo. Are we to assume that he never used to sleep with her (Suli) in his sober state? The nerve! Or was that something only she was entitled to? Wow! Zambian women are… different!

The article further said that Max figures that if Lerato leaves (“if”? Are you kidding me? That girl’s parents have seats with their names engraved on them at the Podium of Eviction!) then he sees the money going to… MAUREEN!!

In light of this I am willing to let my guard down. I have assessed the situation and I think I have gotten over being bored by Maureen. Coffee has helped to a certain degree. In as much as I am over at Team Maureen, I am still absolutely crazy about Bertha! If anyone at DSTv is reading this, let’s hook up and mass-produce Pro-Maureen merchandise. Here’s a thought: “MAUREEN NAMATOVU; UGANDA’S CURE FOR THE COMMON CODE”. And yes, I want something in return.

Bertha and Lerato have taken to gossiping about our representative and her boo, which is just wrong. They have also taken to imitating the way Code speaks, which is just silly. Lerato says the two (Mau and Code) are at the “doff” level, which is The Hoarse Whisperer’s way of saying they are stupid. You know the drill, this life-form must go! Yes, I know Bertha also said some nasty and somewhat snobbish things, but she’s Jackie Bauer dammit! She says what she wants and gets away with it.

This week was back to school week. The housemates were tasked with being schoolboys and schoolgirls… and school-Lerato’s. Tatiana was the head girl and she had powers. Not the super kind, but she could dispense punishment any which way. Yeah, if Tatiana were in my school, I would have wanted her to “punish” me. The housemates were split into teams/ dorms, probably a move that Biggie figured would ease the tension in the house… and for kicks they were allowed to play pranks on their rivals.
No prizes for guessing who the lead Prankster was: Dutty Dreads!
The housemates were also tasked with putting viewers to the test by discussing alternative sources of energy. Sources such as Bertha! In what many a viewer may have considered “shocking”, Maureen did not say, “back home our Pastors produce electricity from their hands.” I thought the aim of Big Brother was to create awareness and such.

In other news, the Angolan Squirrel and Dutty Dreads got the Penthouse to themselves. Awesome. Tatiana was prepared for the night; she packed candles and lingerie for her Penthouse visit! Lord knows you don’t want to be stuck in a dark Penthouse when the power company strikes!

And then they had sex! And had little squirrel babies with highlighted (or is that “highlit”?) dreadlocks and lived happily ever after in the house that Biggie built. Or at least that’s what we expected. The reality was thus: Candle-lit dinner which makes Tatiana “too tired” to put on her G-string (all those calories lost? Hell no!) so she asks Richard to do it. She also says she figures she has lost her boyfriend (but Richard is right there. Oh, that other guy.) and then, No Sex! See, this show is not so bad after all, in any other show (like say, Side Mirror) any other guy would have gotten it on with the squirrel. Or Tatiana.

The news that I’m sure you all know by now (reported in that incredible journalistic style that some critic loves) is that there’ll be no eviction this week. Which is just awesome seeing as I made no prediction last week. So technically, I was right. As was Offunneka who smelt a rat.
With any luck this week will see Lerato and Kwaku nominated. It would be super-cool if Bertha was thrown in just for fun.

Update: At the time this went to the wonderful printing place, Maureen was Head Of The House. This throws a spanner into the whole nomination process, considering that Awfulnekka and Kwaku can not be nominated given that they have been evicted already (supposedly) then Maureen and Code’s Penthouse visit will be messed up…ugh, the madness of Biggie!

Last week I was kidding. I mean, who actually thought Moli was leaving the house, right? To believe that would mean that I misjudged Africa. That I assumed that we, as a continent were drawn to lewd behaviour. Excited by adultery and such. Yet, we are all moral. There is hope for us yet. The Ethics and Integrity ministry can rest easy knowing that we do not watch Big brother for the naked ladies. If we did, Meryl would still be inside that house. I did say that Richard and Tatiana would be up for eviction…

Meryl is out, so quite naturally our hearts went out to Kwaku. How would he live without her? Had they not formed a bond so strong? Was not their friendship going places? What right did we as a continent have to put them asunder? It doesn’t matter because Kwaku is back on his feet again and in his bed… with Bertha! I know I’ve stated before that Bertha is playing this thing brilliantly, but this…this is just deliciously evil!

Holy Cow! (Which is what some blasphemous viewer with text sending prowess called Lerato) The story doing rounds is that Max and Lerato did the dirty deed. Max possessed himself some knowledge carnal of Lerato… Max and Lerato…had…sex! I can’t really verify the authenticity of this because of some dude at UMEME turned Big Brother and evicted the electricity from our neighbourhood.

The penthouse (which Lerato has had more terms of office in than an African president) had some other activities going on. Biggie went and stood in the way of happiness and joy and threw Max’s favourite rapper in there with them. His name? Hip Hop Pants-on-fire. Sorry, I misheard that, its Hip Hop Pantsula.

Up for eviction this week are Dutty Dreads, The Angolan Squirrel and Max. The housemates actually seem to have figured it’s a brilliant strategy to nominate the head of the house this time round. Lerato (The Hoarse Whisperer) was actually up for eviction but chose to save herself and place Tatiana (Angolan Squirrel) on the chopping block. She claimed that it was because the “Squirrel” put them in hot soup and landed them a punishment. The discerning viewer knows better. The “Whisperer” has “nugu!”

The divisions in the house have seenthe birth of the “coalition of the scheming” featuring Max, Lerato, Kwaku and Bertha who consider themselves superior to the rest. So much so, they figure no one outside this clique of theirs will become Head Of the House. (are you kidding me? Not even Maureen? )

In typical clique fashion, they stick together, drink together and say nasty things together. It may have been the alcohol…or the heat from the Jacuzzi that made them say that Tatiana doesn’t understand English or whatever is going on.

As luck would have it, Max, also known as the continent’s biggest gossip is digging his grave each time he opens his mouth. During the Jacuzzi session he proposed a toast for the final four. Something tells me he thought he was part of said final housemates. Let’s not forget this is the guy that composed a ring tone imploring you to pick your phone because your friend with AIDS was calling. This dude would not know sensitivity if it came and punched him in the mouth.

Speaking of mouths (I hate that word!)… the word LOVE slid out of Richard and Tatiana’s. And they were not saying, “I just LOVE what you’ve done with your hair”. The two expressed their feelings for each other leaving us the $100,000 question, “what about their partners on the outside?”

I suppose the answer is that they love the money.

Biggie on his part tried to alleviate the tension by asking the housemates to put together a circus show. He went as far as giving Richard an alien mask (all the better to hide your hair, Dutty) and Ofunnekka a fart-sound-generating “thingy”

Yeah, that should give her the gas she needs to develop joy and happiness.

After last week’s turn of events I am a little hesitant to predict who will be leaving the house. I could play it safe, by saying one of the couples in the house will be split, but where is the fun in that? It’s easier to say none of the nominees will go out. That a new housemate will be brought in and then after I’m proven wrong, write yet another sheepish disclaimer. Although, truth be told, Max NEEDS to leave!!

The writing is on the wall. Its not so much that I have a thing against the Ugandan Housemate or the fact that she wears sweaters like some sort of second skin, but it all comes down to this; Maureen is out.

The Code Factor
This is not the African way, say some viewers. I agree. The African way involves a game called “Buy me Credit and Chicken and we shall see where this goes”. As it is, there are no restaurants or phones, so, Tough Luck. On Wednesday night the two locked lips in a move pundits liken to putting words in someone’s mouth. But what do pundits know? A viewer described the scene as ” eugh-ish“. That’s basically the sound you make when you step on a slug before it melts completely.

The “Hug Factor”.
If you watched the eviction show, you know what I mean. Who in their right mind hugs the person that stabs them in the back? If that’s how life worked, there would be no reason to go to war.
“Hey, you destroyed my city, come ‘ere and give me a hug you terrorist of no significance to this article…”

The Bore Factor
Moving on, there’s the inescapable fact that she is boring. One viewer noted that she never follows through with what she begins to say. Its like I start discussing the inadequacies, basically if I was to write or, no, back to the Job at hand…actually, you know what, forget that, what I’m trying to say is she makes as much sense from time to time as this paragraph does.

Of course there’s also the odd chance that  Richard will be evicted instead. And I mean really ODD. To his credit, he composed the first African Ringtone that features the words “potion” and “motion”. You go Dutty Dreads!

This week saw him promise the Angolan Squirrel he would solve “their problem”. Yet again, I found myself doubting that said problem involved hair care products. Anyway, the long and short of it was exposed when Dutty (Richard, catch up!) went into the Diary Room and asked Biggie for Corn Dogs. Or at least that’s what Happily Married Africans wanted to believe until he asked whether there was some private place where the cameras didn’t pry. Not getting it yet? He asked for condoms!

The two kissed on Wednesday night as well in what’s shaping up to be a nominee trait.

Speaking of not getting any…Lerato’s attempts at getting up close and personal with Max were shot down in flames whilst in the Penthouse. That. Dude. Is. Smooth! I suppose this is one event the South African Events Coordinator failed to , uh, coordinate. Not all hope is lost though, Max told Code that he thought she was a really good person. Yeah, whatever!
Code felt obliged to offer some input. He said Bertha was shady. Well, Code, you have ugly hair!

Kwaku was not left out on Wednesday’s spree as he was kept abreast of what was going on from under Meryl’s top.

In other Big Brother News, Biggie gave the housemates a task involving a box locked with a padlock and loads of keys. The housemates were split into two teams; Nocturnals and Super Sleepers.  They also competed to see who could do the most sit ups.The housemates let on during their diary room sessions that were not too amused that they had to stay awake for so long.

In my opinion it was nothing to lose sleep over.

And the nominees are…
I’m guessing its going to be Richard and Tatiana this time round… with a Meryl for good measure. I seriously think Ofunneka becomes temporarily invisible during the nomination hour.
Incidentally, if I’m wrong about Maureen, she can invite me over to her place when she comes back with the money then kick me out to make amends.

Justice was served!! And now the recap begins properly.

This week had the housemates dress up in 70’s garb and don accents from I don’t know where. It was amusing at first, but it slowly started to lose its novelty. My emotions turned swiftly from ” I will not bat an eyelid lest I miss something” to ” I want to strangle someone with their wig”. That said, I will dwell on the other cool things…
Weight a minute…
Lerato ended up in the Penthouse again. I’m not complaining or anything, I’ll leave that to the bath-tub that endures her weight, but surely there’s a more deserving housemate…
The Shortcomings Of Justice
The Eviction show was surprisingly worth watching. I liked that Jeff’s mum said her son was there to stay. Am I the only one that figured Justice’s stay in the house would be SHORT lived? He said he saw it coming. Apparently he wanted to be evicted. The 100 grand was not really on his mind in the SHORT term. Isn’t it a little disorienting though knowing that a cross section of a continent doesn’t like you, that you fall SHORT of their expectations?
Was Maureen was served the penal Code? (Will my editor run this?)
Code says the kiss they shared didn’t do it for him and so he wasn’t interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with the Ugandan housemate. Maureen on her part said she could tell that Code was after sex, but she told him to wait. Awesome, Maureen believes that True Love Waits, she should partner with Martin Sempa and put some sense in these kids.
Maureen’s stay in the house hangs in the balance because Bertha decided to save Meryl and replace her with our own. Damn You BERTHA! You awesome woman you! What we have going against us is the fact that we voted against Kenya, so naturally, even on the off chance that Kenya didn’t have to support their own (because, face it, he isn’t really interesting), we are not really BFF’s anymore (BFF- Best Friend’s Forever).
Tanzania voted against Kenya last week in an indication that our solidarity is as real as the Easter Bunny. Its like we collectively looked at the nominees and said, “East African federation my butt!”.
Viewers are not particularly pleased with the way Maureen is throwing herself at Code. Apparently it’s not the “Way Of The Female.” I don’t know what to make of this seeing as I know many people that have to pry themselves lose of the grip of many a woman every night…in Capital Pub, The Rocks and that ka-street around Club Silk.
Going by the strap band that displays viewers’ texts, Zimbabwe doesn’t fancy Uganda for the simple reason that Maureen doesn’t like Bertha. That’s just fickle. If you’re going to hate her for something, let it be the fact that she wears sweaters all the time.
Nigeria on the other hand is crazy about us. I don’t know whether this is a good thing. This kind of thing will have people at immigration wondering why we are so close all of a sudden…speaking of close…
Tatiana and Richard are incredibly close. The Housemates and viewers across Africa are sure that what these two are up to is a little more sinister than comparing notes on which hair products to use. During the course of the week Richard went into sulk mode, can’t say that I blame him, and Tatiana came over to console him and invite him to party. He played hard to get but finally gave in to the charms of the Angolan Squirrel.
I have a strong feeling that Maureen will survive this week’s nomination, which is a shame if you’re Jeff’s mum. The lady was earning herself some serious Flier Miles off this show.
Bertha is probably going to be up for eviction next along with, dare I say it, And yes, I said “probably”. I’m not a soccer analyst, so I can get away with guess-work.