.:: Better Than The Great Outdoors- BBA2 ::.

Its not you, its me…

Ever get the feeling that people leave the moment you get attached? Case in point, Meryl. This chic was MADNESS made manifest and she was just “wrong”. What the heck was there not to like? Then she got booted through no fault of hers. Then came Bertha. Yes,she of the hair with an affinity for gravity. Everything was going well until a few weeks ago, then she too left. Then I declared with the commitment of a university student in a relationship that I was crazy about Maureen and now see what’s happening.

What I’m trying to say is, if Maureen does come home this week, its not her fault. Its mine. To quote Akon (the real one), you can put the blame on me!

To be fair, its not entirely my fault. Africans generally don’t like people that don’t make sense or talk to themselves. In the western world they’d probably make a movie out of it and the actress playing Moli (say Charlize Theron under layers of shoe polish) would win an Oscar. Here? No such luck, you speak to yourself and you’re a certified loony…and you’re disliked by Africa…

Which is hypocritical when you consider the fact that Mama Awful from Nigeria has resorted to crying and stuff in a bid to win votes. And its working for her…

Two become one…

In other news, Dutty Dreads and Squirrel of Angola made the beast with two backs. Its about time, really. It’s like watching a soap knowing that Hariz Pilton will end up with the Jik mugger, but all sorts of obstacles keep getting in the way. Like wicked stepsisters and consciences. From my travels around the world wide web, I present this little tidbit; Richard is so getting served! With divorce papers! From his wife! The one he cheated on. This is all happening when he leaves the house at the end of the show. If luck is on his side he will win the money and his wife back. Nothing says “I’m sorry” like $100,000.

Speaking of better halves, Code’s other didn’t seem to miffed by his antics in the house. Unless of course that hug she gave him on his eviction night was the infamous Russian stranglehold coupled with a kick in the gut from the baby she was carrying.

Fear is not a factor when you’re ripping off another show’s ideas…

What do you call a show that runs out of ideas and starts to borrow other shows ideas? Big Brother. This week we were treated to FEAR FACTOR: Big Brother Edition. I have a theory. It may seem a little far fetched, but I think Biggie stopped trying. If I wanted a show with icebased activities I’d watch pingu. I don’t watch anything from Nollywood so I think it’s a llittle unfair for Big Brother to make me sit through Awful-nekka’s foot and ice victory.

And it was a no brainer that the Angolan Squirrel would wine the goat smoothee drinking competition, I mean, that chic can take anything that’s dished out to her. Take a minute and read that again and appreciate the innuendo I have tried to slip in…twice.

Moving on…

Because seeing a bunch of people put on an act is not enough, Biggie tasked the housemates with putting on a production. Tatiana said that comedy comes naturally to her…that’s funny… did I mention she and Richard had sex? For real!

The movie was set in Mexico where Tatiana (one of Biggie’s Angels) meets Sylvester and has her way with him. Not too different from the usual happenings in the house, but wait, there’s more. Then she puts him to sleep (still not to different from the usual) and then her cohorts strip Sylvester bare and discover he is the bomb…sorry, he is there to plant a bomb…( so he ain’t a Ganja planter after all?).. anyway, I’m sure this thing will be on DVD some time, so I won’t get into it. Biggie was impressed by the housemates display and showered them with drinks and eats… I guess it doesn’t take too much to impress this dude.

And the beef goes on…

I don’t even know if it counts seeing as she may be leaving the house this weekend, but hey, I have a word limit. Maureen was convinced that Tatiana and Ofunneka were plotting her demise. Funny what people will do to earn a quick $100,000, eh? The problem was Maureen’s imaginary friend Mo’lean, convinced Mau that when Tatiana and Ofu were discussing Richard, its her that was the topic. That’s a bit of an ego she’s carrying around. Seriously, I am not unpatriotic or anything, I am as ready for CHOGM as the next dude, but Mau’s got something coming. She is not exactly conversation fodder. She figures the animosity between her and Ofu was resolved after a lengthy discussion, but Ofu still doesn’t trust her.

Is that a mole in your house, or are just happy to see me…

Big brother is mixing it up with fake housemates… well, okay, not fake as in not real, but people that will not win the $100,000 even if they managed to solve the mobile phone extra promotion crisis in Uganda… or something like that. Ideally, their personalities should clash with at least two of the housemates thus exposing the nasty sides to the public and helping us vote wisely…If Maureen stays in there I can see this backfiring and the “Moles” (for that is what they are called) begging to be let out of the house… I wonder, can they place that on their Curriculum Vitae under achievements?
“I won first prize at the country fair… and I was a MOLE!”

Where I usually go wrong…Predictions

I haven’t done these in a while, and my life was better for it, but seeing as it’s the last eviction show, why not…

In an ideal world, free of wars, floods, and congestion on the information highway, Ofu would be out of there faster than you can say, “Oga”.

In other news, Ofu showed Africa her raunchy side… and it was not a pretty sex kitten called foofoo. I like the name foofoo. Its pretty. I wonder if I can get the Mrs. in on this pet name thing… anyway, seeing as I didn’t get to see how things went down (Hangover!!) you can pick up on the fishy behaviour here

Kwaku is no more. His tenure as a BBA Housemate has ceased to be. It’s expired and he has gone to meet his countrymen. He is a former Housemate. Bereft of South African accommodation. His entertainment value is now of interest only to historians! He is an ex-housemate!

Maureen revealed this week that she sees herself walking away with the money. Not a wise move if you ask me. She said the money would boost her confidence and would enable her to solicit funds from people for her pet project. Then she said she would still be herself if she won. Am I missing something?

Would someone be kind enough to explain to me how exactly one can solicit funds for one’s “pet projects” if potential backers are aware that one has money already.

Richard feels that there are trust issues in the house given that Code had replaced himself with Tatiana during last week’s nominations. Personally, I think there are self-preservation issues here, but I could be wrong. That house warps perception.

Not withstanding, it still receives its fair share of visitors. This week saw two UN representatives go in and educate the housemates on the millennium goals. They happen to be on the web so I won’t list them here. The housemates retaliated by performing their poverty song thereby putting and end to the visit. Did anyone else’s ears bleed? No? Okay, moving on…

The housemates were also asked to design posters to encourage viewers to support the UN’s campaign to en poverty. Given the housemates failure to come up with any masterpieces, it would have probably been more effective to have them write in bold letters, “SUPPORT THE UN OR WE SHALL SING!”.

A storm is brewing between Maureen and Offuneka, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Nigeria has some crappy movies. Offuneka thinks Maureen is so full of it, that she is a drama queen and that contrary to what she had thought at the beginning, Maureen may not be a figment of her imagination. She says she is now aware of Maureen’s plan (for global domination?) and that her skin crawl’s whenever Mau walks past her. Has she tried a lotion for that? Or Samona?
Offu has taken her campaign to Tatiana and told her that Maureen was feeling neglected. That she said Tati spends more time with Richard than with her. That’s probably true Mau, but Tatiana’s access to the “gazunga” is coming to an end so she probably feels the need to use it while the warranty is still on.

Tatiana opines that Maureen is probably trying to pull a fast one. That her strategy may be to smear Richard so that the public saves Code. That’s brilliant! Maureen is my new Bertha! The best bit is, this version comes with non-removable strands of hair!

Yvonne Chaka Chaka asked the housemates to make an “anti-poverty” fire in the garden…I figured she’d hoped to use the BBA house as the set for the music video for “I’m Burning Up” The Remix…but I was wrong. The housemates had to stand guard for the 24 hours the fire was lit. Biggie said they were to sing and dance and tell stories around the fire. Screams “Pagan Ritual” from where I’m sitting by the way. If every simple fire would take poverty away, we’d light them all!

Code and Maureen had another of their ritual arguments, this one brought on by the fact that Maureen discussed sex with Richard whilst Code was there. What really happened was, Richard asked Maureen whether she liked sex and whether she was in control of herself as far as restraining herself from the urge to have sex in the House went. I kind of sympathise with Code. I too found the word sex dirty and inappropriate to use in conversations until… come to think of it, until this article. Maureen in her defense said that the only reason she had this conversation with Richard was so he would know better than to try intimidating her.
HAHA!!
Maureen may be on to something.
Battling Bullies 101:
Them: Give me your money!
You: Let’s talk about sex instead!
Them: I’m gonna beat you up
You: Okay, but let’s discuss sex
Them: Easy there, I don’t want any trouble.
And that’s how you put bullies in their place.

Prediction:
A Man Shall leave, A Man Shall remain, Three women shall stay. Doesn’t say much, but you have got to love the poetic feel to it…and it may be a little ore accurate than some of the predictions that were going around last election period.

Bertha is out! I hope you lot are pleased with yourselves. Would it have been too much to vote the Faux-Akon out? I mean, dude’s got fewer letters in his name that would have been a shorter text to send. Really, Africa!
The above rant brought to you in part, by RAGE! That hot stuff that bubbles to the surface and conveys emotion!

Incidentally, a ticket to Bertha’s eviction party cost Z$ 3 million. Not adjusting for currency conversions and inflation, spending on Jackie Bauer is costlier than what she stood to win.

In a show of originality (or lack thereof) Biggie invited fans to submit ideas for tasks to be performed by the housemates. I tell you, this is the laziest Big Brother yet. He takes holidays, needs to be babied and he won’t come up with his own ideas… this is Kid Brother!! Anyway, the winning suggestion was that the housemates stage a phony broadcast.

I usually get the feeling that Jam Agenda presenters are looking at me (well, not Charles, he usually glances at the ceiling) when they are doing their thing and it sorta scares the shiznit out of me… I can deal with Kampala’s security camera’s following me, but the idea that the Angolan Squirrel is checking me out?

So anyway, BBTV, for that’s what they called it, claimed that it was in the business of,” Putting the Shizniz into the Bizniz of Entertainment”. I suppose everytime they attach the “iz-niz” suffix in their vocabulary, a little child has one dream come true. And I think Biggie is that Little Chiz-nit.

The housemates were not allowed to use real-life brand names. WHAT? Not even MTN? I thought it was everywhere you GO, even inside the house. Guess I was wrong. Note to the Yello Brand, you may want to invest a little “Extra”.

This condition birthed the brand “Fabioso” a love potion so potent it will make you go nuts for furry little tree dwellers…in Angola.

BBTV would also have a talk show complete with gossip, performances, give-aways and all sorts of juicy elements… long story short, another day in the Big Brother house.

Here’s a checklist;
Gossip
This is not new and we have seen that provided by practically all of the housemates.
Give-aways
These too have been seen in the penthouse.
Performances
See “Give aways” above.
The Juicy Elements left with Meryl so we are kind of short changed here.

In other news…
Dutty is a shadow of his old self and has been having spats with his little woodland creature of Angolan origin. This has not gone down with many a viewer and has had them baying for his locks, er, his blood.

One tiff was sponsored by Maureen when she claimed she saw the, er, “Gazunga” while Dutty was showering. This did not go down well with the Squirrel who believed that such a display is childish. Heck, I think that calling anything a Gazunga is asinine, but you don’t see me fighting. Is that a rodent thing? Anyway, she proceeded to say that she was not going to speak to Dutty unless he said please. (shya!). Dutty echoed a sentiment shared by many a viewer by stating that he was, “tired of this sh*t”.

Not to be outdone, the MauDe-Squad also had their doubts as to where things where going with Code saying there were things happening on the inside that probably wouldn’t happen on the outside. Like, er, naming anatomy in pre-school gibberish?

And because I have seemingly neglected Awful-nekka in the past, here’s a line on her. She was hurt in the past by the love of her life and she almost committed suicide. I think this is all strategy. Maureen made it this far after her shocking high school confession, and Bertha hated her for her scheming brilliance and now “mama-Awfoo” is trying to pull one on us.

The penthouse visit took on a change when Biggie decided to have all the male housemates go in there and have a good time. Isn’t that… wrong?

For the life of me I can’t tell whether its going to be Faux-Akon or Dutty Dreads living this week. I want it to be Kwaku, but Richard is just being a dick.

The Cow of the South is out of the pen. She had her party, said our girl has the personality of a spatula and then probably made her bed wet again…Lerato’s bed, not Maureen’s. That would have just been weird. What isn’t weird are Bertha and Kwaku’s nominations. How else would that have played out? Lerato jinxed things when she set up the faction ages ago. Don’t get me wrong. It works tremendously well for us. Maureen is among the last contestants, and if it really comes down to it, the race for the $100,000 is between her and Awfulnekka.

Dutty Dreads and The Common Code have their infidelity working against them. I have never been one to point fingers (heh), but I really didn’t think Africa had a problem with this. I’d love to cite examples here of acts promiscuous, but that would contradict my earlier declaration of non-finger-pointyness. In light of that, I will not mention the Swazi King. The Squirrel of Angola doesn’t quite do it for me. I know that doesn’t seem like a valid argument for the Angolan Tax Authority to lose out on a hundred grand, but think about it. This chic was simulating acts of lewdness on/with a balloon! A BALLOON for crying out loud!

That was then. Fast forward to a few weeks later and its Africa watching the Big Brother contestants watching other Big Brother contestants. Yes. Its “The Penthouse”; Starring The Angolan Squirrel and reprising his role from before; Dutty Dreads!

The script here is different. Richard tells Tatiana he feels guilty. He has hurt his wife (you think?!) He says he is planning to leave the house. Fool! We decide when you leave the house! We the viewers, not you! We are the boss of you! Stay in there and BURN!!

Dutty tells his little squirrel friend that he promised his wife he wouldn’t kiss anyone in the house (really? Not even Code er, Maureen? You called her SHORTY didn’t you?) and he has literally put words in Tati’s mouth since forever. Reminds me of the words in that Black Eyed Peas song; “How do you get all those words, all those words inside your mouth…” It’s gotten such that Dutty doesn’t care for money any more. Either this dude has gone and turned communist or he is selling Tatiana some crazy brand of fertilizer. Also, that’s one person less for Mike Ezra to worry about.

If he meant it he would have taken the place of one of the nominees ( False Akon and Jackie Bauer).

He thinks his fling with the squirrel should have a movie made out of it. With action figures and tee-shirts that scream, “I LOVE ME SOME SQUIRREL”. Tatiana tries to soothe him between sobs saying that women have soft hearts and they forgive easily. That she has been through this before. When? Isn’t this her first foray into Big Brother Africa? With a Tanzanian? With Dreadlocks? The bull just keeps piling up.

Elsewhere in a house we all know, the contestants were asked to prepare a dish for a mystery guest. Is it Straka? The housemates called their effort cuisine MANGZUT. And they also had to design an invitation card for said guest (Bobi Wine? Gaetano? Moi???). Their effort resulted in something that looked like a rainbow painted by a madman.

The housemates also had to make their own utensils out of clay. Yeah, South African clay is the hygienic kind. You can eat off it… hell, you can eat it.

Speaking of food, Maureen was paired with Bertha in the meal preparing task in a move that had us all watch with baited breath every time Bertha held a knife.

Maureen declared that she would go to Malawi to see Code. Whatever for? The money is here! The breakfast guys on Hot 100 say that Maureen’s boyfriend out of the Big Brother house was not pleased with Code touching Mau all over. Guess the Penthouse visit by the two had “far-reaching consequences” (heh).

Bertha is probably out this week, and Kwaku is going to be up for nomination this coming week… I figure Code will nominate Richard as will Ofunneka, but what do I know?