Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty; we are free at last. The yoke of Big Brother will drop. No more shall we miss class and meals for want of entertainment from the part of Africa southern. No more brothers’ big, no more squirrels Angolan. No more Nigerian Women of virtues questionable… wait a sec. I might have gotten carried away back there.
Nollywood ain’t going no where. Read the rest of this entry »
Jessica Alba is without a doubt the hottest being on earth. The rest are mere mortals. What? I have a life outside Big Brother and it features pretty hot Hollywood vixens unobtainable in nature… oh, Jessica. And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming…
The Moles are in the house, but wait. Did anyone see what went down last week on Saturday? Its being dubbed “fingergate” all over the web and editors have allowed their writers to go into graphic detail about what went on with Dutty Dreads and the ladies in the house. In the event that you don’t have any friends with DSTV or have held off reading BBA recaps till now (I’m flattered), here’s the low down in about 55 words.
Biggie gives housemates task. Housemates also have alcohol. Housemates consume alcohol, then get drunk. PROPERLY! Awfu tries to take the Blah blah blah out of Mau’s mouth by attempting a kiss. Mau is not having any of that. She takes Awfu and a wasted Angolan rodent to bed. Dutty follows and what follows is *censored* Says Mnet in a press statement over on the BBA site, “Big Brother is based on showing the Housemates’ actions whilst in the House for audiences who wish to make informed voting decisions based on Housemate behaviour.” Heh.
Incidentally Mau, has anyone told you I was rooting for you from day one? I’m not like Nsaba Buturo, me I like you. I heard what he said, it’s all blahblahblah to me… This has nothing to do with the endorsement deals you will get for championing the “True Love Waits… until the cameras are switched off” cause. I even went out and got your name tattooed across my chest, but it kinda got washed away during these freak showers Kampala had while you were gone…
And while she is out, the Moles came out to play… with horrible performances on day one. Biggie briefed Victor and Ashanti thus, “You are from a twin Big Brother House. You are the finalists and now you should go forth and cause some serious damage”. All well and good, but would it have killed Biggie to look into the wardrobe issues? Either Ofunneka is a witch or she has lived this whole experience before, seeing as she is not buying the fertilizer the new housemates are selling. Vic and Ash failed to come up with proper answers as to what tasks they went through in their house, and they still believe that the “real” housemates are buying their story. Ah, the bliss of denial.
Victor seems to be trying though. He told Tatiana that Richard kissed Ashanti, drawing ire from Dutty when Tati took it up with him. Dutty then proceeded to confront Victor saying Real Men don’t tell. No, Richard. Real men don’t “CRY”. We tell all the time, what do you think gets corrupt officials caught all the time? That confrontation features Tatiana trying to be a calming influence. If this were a tabloid, I could have used that last line to greater effect.
The House is under the guidance of a squirrel. And it’s Angolan. That’s right, Tati is Head of The House for the third time. It would be exciting to have Biggie make her take Victor to the penthouse and then playback a video with lookalikes of the two doing all sorts of crazy stuff. But this show is on a crazy budget, so that’s not going to happen.
The presence of Ashanti seems to have dropped the scales from Richard’s eyes seeing as he is pouring himself more into the tasks. This week had the housemates shooting a commercial for “Paradise A’frique”. Don’t feel bad about not knowing what it is, I’ll tell you. It’s the big brother house as the ultimate tourist destination. I’m not berating Big Brother here, I mean, we can’t expect all his ideas to be all that. Lord knows I wouldn’t be any better, but this business of making the most of what is available is like handing kids clay and telling them to build a house, then a tree, then a gun, then a ship… all with the same mound of clay.
Meanwhile, gossip site http://hottestgossip.co.za/ claims that Ricki (Dutty’s wife) is through with him. Turns out he deviated from the plan. I’m reading this and thinking, “There was a plan?” Apparently it was agreed that upon entering the house, Richard was supposed to flirt. Kissing was NOT part of the agenda. She feels betrayed, the poor thing, but she is a little reluctant to break things up with him because she loves his family. It’s because he is this close to the money, isn’t it?
The same site reports that Bertha still finds the group boring. And she says viewers that were clamoring to see her shower naked are immoral. I blame it on raging hormones.
And as we conclude this, I am obliged to mention that we are now voting for the person we want to win. Thus far, its all pointing to the Angolan Squirrel, which scares me. I had this nightmare that the rodents of the world would unite and come after me and chant, “Who’s the Squirrel now?”
*Edit>> It looks like Dutty may win… but are they not one and the same?
Its not you, its me…
Ever get the feeling that people leave the moment you get attached? Case in point, Meryl. This chic was MADNESS made manifest and she was just “wrong”. What the heck was there not to like? Then she got booted through no fault of hers. Then came Bertha. Yes,she of the hair with an affinity for gravity. Everything was going well until a few weeks ago, then she too left. Then I declared with the commitment of a university student in a relationship that I was crazy about Maureen and now see what’s happening.
What I’m trying to say is, if Maureen does come home this week, its not her fault. Its mine. To quote Akon (the real one), you can put the blame on me!
To be fair, its not entirely my fault. Africans generally don’t like people that don’t make sense or talk to themselves. In the western world they’d probably make a movie out of it and the actress playing Moli (say Charlize Theron under layers of shoe polish) would win an Oscar. Here? No such luck, you speak to yourself and you’re a certified loony…and you’re disliked by Africa…
Which is hypocritical when you consider the fact that Mama Awful from Nigeria has resorted to crying and stuff in a bid to win votes. And its working for her…
Two become one…
In other news, Dutty Dreads and Squirrel of Angola made the beast with two backs. Its about time, really. It’s like watching a soap knowing that Hariz Pilton will end up with the Jik mugger, but all sorts of obstacles keep getting in the way. Like wicked stepsisters and consciences. From my travels around the world wide web, I present this little tidbit; Richard is so getting served! With divorce papers! From his wife! The one he cheated on. This is all happening when he leaves the house at the end of the show. If luck is on his side he will win the money and his wife back. Nothing says “I’m sorry” like $100,000.
Speaking of better halves, Code’s other didn’t seem to miffed by his antics in the house. Unless of course that hug she gave him on his eviction night was the infamous Russian stranglehold coupled with a kick in the gut from the baby she was carrying.
Fear is not a factor when you’re ripping off another show’s ideas…
What do you call a show that runs out of ideas and starts to borrow other shows ideas? Big Brother. This week we were treated to FEAR FACTOR: Big Brother Edition. I have a theory. It may seem a little far fetched, but I think Biggie stopped trying. If I wanted a show with icebased activities I’d watch pingu. I don’t watch anything from Nollywood so I think it’s a llittle unfair for Big Brother to make me sit through Awful-nekka’s foot and ice victory.
And it was a no brainer that the Angolan Squirrel would wine the goat smoothee drinking competition, I mean, that chic can take anything that’s dished out to her. Take a minute and read that again and appreciate the innuendo I have tried to slip in…twice.
Moving on…
Because seeing a bunch of people put on an act is not enough, Biggie tasked the housemates with putting on a production. Tatiana said that comedy comes naturally to her…that’s funny… did I mention she and Richard had sex? For real!
The movie was set in Mexico where Tatiana (one of Biggie’s Angels) meets Sylvester and has her way with him. Not too different from the usual happenings in the house, but wait, there’s more. Then she puts him to sleep (still not to different from the usual) and then her cohorts strip Sylvester bare and discover he is the bomb…sorry, he is there to plant a bomb…( so he ain’t a Ganja planter after all?).. anyway, I’m sure this thing will be on DVD some time, so I won’t get into it. Biggie was impressed by the housemates display and showered them with drinks and eats… I guess it doesn’t take too much to impress this dude.
And the beef goes on…
I don’t even know if it counts seeing as she may be leaving the house this weekend, but hey, I have a word limit. Maureen was convinced that Tatiana and Ofunneka were plotting her demise. Funny what people will do to earn a quick $100,000, eh? The problem was Maureen’s imaginary friend Mo’lean, convinced Mau that when Tatiana and Ofu were discussing Richard, its her that was the topic. That’s a bit of an ego she’s carrying around. Seriously, I am not unpatriotic or anything, I am as ready for CHOGM as the next dude, but Mau’s got something coming. She is not exactly conversation fodder. She figures the animosity between her and Ofu was resolved after a lengthy discussion, but Ofu still doesn’t trust her.
Is that a mole in your house, or are just happy to see me…
Big brother is mixing it up with fake housemates… well, okay, not fake as in not real, but people that will not win the $100,000 even if they managed to solve the mobile phone extra promotion crisis in Uganda… or something like that. Ideally, their personalities should clash with at least two of the housemates thus exposing the nasty sides to the public and helping us vote wisely…If Maureen stays in there I can see this backfiring and the “Moles” (for that is what they are called) begging to be let out of the house… I wonder, can they place that on their Curriculum Vitae under achievements?
“I won first prize at the country fair… and I was a MOLE!”
Where I usually go wrong…Predictions
I haven’t done these in a while, and my life was better for it, but seeing as it’s the last eviction show, why not…
In an ideal world, free of wars, floods, and congestion on the information highway, Ofu would be out of there faster than you can say, “Oga”.
In other news, Ofu showed Africa her raunchy side… and it was not a pretty sex kitten called foofoo. I like the name foofoo. Its pretty. I wonder if I can get the Mrs. in on this pet name thing… anyway, seeing as I didn’t get to see how things went down (Hangover!!) you can pick up on the fishy behaviour here
Kwaku is no more. His tenure as a BBA Housemate has ceased to be. It’s expired and he has gone to meet his countrymen. He is a former Housemate. Bereft of South African accommodation. His entertainment value is now of interest only to historians! He is an ex-housemate!
Maureen revealed this week that she sees herself walking away with the money. Not a wise move if you ask me. She said the money would boost her confidence and would enable her to solicit funds from people for her pet project. Then she said she would still be herself if she won. Am I missing something?
Would someone be kind enough to explain to me how exactly one can solicit funds for one’s “pet projects” if potential backers are aware that one has money already.
Richard feels that there are trust issues in the house given that Code had replaced himself with Tatiana during last week’s nominations. Personally, I think there are self-preservation issues here, but I could be wrong. That house warps perception.
Not withstanding, it still receives its fair share of visitors. This week saw two UN representatives go in and educate the housemates on the millennium goals. They happen to be on the web so I won’t list them here. The housemates retaliated by performing their poverty song thereby putting and end to the visit. Did anyone else’s ears bleed? No? Okay, moving on…
The housemates were also asked to design posters to encourage viewers to support the UN’s campaign to en poverty. Given the housemates failure to come up with any masterpieces, it would have probably been more effective to have them write in bold letters, “SUPPORT THE UN OR WE SHALL SING!”.
A storm is brewing between Maureen and Offuneka, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Nigeria has some crappy movies. Offuneka thinks Maureen is so full of it, that she is a drama queen and that contrary to what she had thought at the beginning, Maureen may not be a figment of her imagination. She says she is now aware of Maureen’s plan (for global domination?) and that her skin crawl’s whenever Mau walks past her. Has she tried a lotion for that? Or Samona?
Offu has taken her campaign to Tatiana and told her that Maureen was feeling neglected. That she said Tati spends more time with Richard than with her. That’s probably true Mau, but Tatiana’s access to the “gazunga” is coming to an end so she probably feels the need to use it while the warranty is still on.
Tatiana opines that Maureen is probably trying to pull a fast one. That her strategy may be to smear Richard so that the public saves Code. That’s brilliant! Maureen is my new Bertha! The best bit is, this version comes with non-removable strands of hair!
Yvonne Chaka Chaka asked the housemates to make an “anti-poverty” fire in the garden…I figured she’d hoped to use the BBA house as the set for the music video for “I’m Burning Up” The Remix…but I was wrong. The housemates had to stand guard for the 24 hours the fire was lit. Biggie said they were to sing and dance and tell stories around the fire. Screams “Pagan Ritual” from where I’m sitting by the way. If every simple fire would take poverty away, we’d light them all!
Code and Maureen had another of their ritual arguments, this one brought on by the fact that Maureen discussed sex with Richard whilst Code was there. What really happened was, Richard asked Maureen whether she liked sex and whether she was in control of herself as far as restraining herself from the urge to have sex in the House went. I kind of sympathise with Code. I too found the word sex dirty and inappropriate to use in conversations until… come to think of it, until this article. Maureen in her defense said that the only reason she had this conversation with Richard was so he would know better than to try intimidating her.
HAHA!!
Maureen may be on to something.
Battling Bullies 101:
Them: Give me your money!
You: Let’s talk about sex instead!
Them: I’m gonna beat you up
You: Okay, but let’s discuss sex
Them: Easy there, I don’t want any trouble.
And that’s how you put bullies in their place.
Prediction:
A Man Shall leave, A Man Shall remain, Three women shall stay. Doesn’t say much, but you have got to love the poetic feel to it…and it may be a little ore accurate than some of the predictions that were going around last election period.
Bertha is out! I hope you lot are pleased with yourselves. Would it have been too much to vote the Faux-Akon out? I mean, dude’s got fewer letters in his name that would have been a shorter text to send. Really, Africa!
The above rant brought to you in part, by RAGE! That hot stuff that bubbles to the surface and conveys emotion!
Incidentally, a ticket to Bertha’s eviction party cost Z$ 3 million. Not adjusting for currency conversions and inflation, spending on Jackie Bauer is costlier than what she stood to win.
In a show of originality (or lack thereof) Biggie invited fans to submit ideas for tasks to be performed by the housemates. I tell you, this is the laziest Big Brother yet. He takes holidays, needs to be babied and he won’t come up with his own ideas… this is Kid Brother!! Anyway, the winning suggestion was that the housemates stage a phony broadcast.
I usually get the feeling that Jam Agenda presenters are looking at me (well, not Charles, he usually glances at the ceiling) when they are doing their thing and it sorta scares the shiznit out of me… I can deal with Kampala’s security camera’s following me, but the idea that the Angolan Squirrel is checking me out?
So anyway, BBTV, for that’s what they called it, claimed that it was in the business of,” Putting the Shizniz into the Bizniz of Entertainment”. I suppose everytime they attach the “iz-niz” suffix in their vocabulary, a little child has one dream come true. And I think Biggie is that Little Chiz-nit.
The housemates were not allowed to use real-life brand names. WHAT? Not even MTN? I thought it was everywhere you GO, even inside the house. Guess I was wrong. Note to the Yello Brand, you may want to invest a little “Extra”.
This condition birthed the brand “Fabioso” a love potion so potent it will make you go nuts for furry little tree dwellers…in Angola.
BBTV would also have a talk show complete with gossip, performances, give-aways and all sorts of juicy elements… long story short, another day in the Big Brother house.
Here’s a checklist;
Gossip
This is not new and we have seen that provided by practically all of the housemates.
Give-aways
These too have been seen in the penthouse.
Performances
See “Give aways” above.
The Juicy Elements left with Meryl so we are kind of short changed here.
In other news…
Dutty is a shadow of his old self and has been having spats with his little woodland creature of Angolan origin. This has not gone down with many a viewer and has had them baying for his locks, er, his blood.
One tiff was sponsored by Maureen when she claimed she saw the, er, “Gazunga” while Dutty was showering. This did not go down well with the Squirrel who believed that such a display is childish. Heck, I think that calling anything a Gazunga is asinine, but you don’t see me fighting. Is that a rodent thing? Anyway, she proceeded to say that she was not going to speak to Dutty unless he said please. (shya!). Dutty echoed a sentiment shared by many a viewer by stating that he was, “tired of this sh*t”.
Not to be outdone, the MauDe-Squad also had their doubts as to where things where going with Code saying there were things happening on the inside that probably wouldn’t happen on the outside. Like, er, naming anatomy in pre-school gibberish?
And because I have seemingly neglected Awful-nekka in the past, here’s a line on her. She was hurt in the past by the love of her life and she almost committed suicide. I think this is all strategy. Maureen made it this far after her shocking high school confession, and Bertha hated her for her scheming brilliance and now “mama-Awfoo” is trying to pull one on us.
The penthouse visit took on a change when Biggie decided to have all the male housemates go in there and have a good time. Isn’t that… wrong?
For the life of me I can’t tell whether its going to be Faux-Akon or Dutty Dreads living this week. I want it to be Kwaku, but Richard is just being a dick.
The Cow of the South is out of the pen. She had her party, said our girl has the personality of a spatula and then probably made her bed wet again…Lerato’s bed, not Maureen’s. That would have just been weird. What isn’t weird are Bertha and Kwaku’s nominations. How else would that have played out? Lerato jinxed things when she set up the faction ages ago. Don’t get me wrong. It works tremendously well for us. Maureen is among the last contestants, and if it really comes down to it, the race for the $100,000 is between her and Awfulnekka.
Dutty Dreads and The Common Code have their infidelity working against them. I have never been one to point fingers (heh), but I really didn’t think Africa had a problem with this. I’d love to cite examples here of acts promiscuous, but that would contradict my earlier declaration of non-finger-pointyness. In light of that, I will not mention the Swazi King. The Squirrel of Angola doesn’t quite do it for me. I know that doesn’t seem like a valid argument for the Angolan Tax Authority to lose out on a hundred grand, but think about it. This chic was simulating acts of lewdness on/with a balloon! A BALLOON for crying out loud!
That was then. Fast forward to a few weeks later and its Africa watching the Big Brother contestants watching other Big Brother contestants. Yes. Its “The Penthouse”; Starring The Angolan Squirrel and reprising his role from before; Dutty Dreads!
The script here is different. Richard tells Tatiana he feels guilty. He has hurt his wife (you think?!) He says he is planning to leave the house. Fool! We decide when you leave the house! We the viewers, not you! We are the boss of you! Stay in there and BURN!!
Dutty tells his little squirrel friend that he promised his wife he wouldn’t kiss anyone in the house (really? Not even Code er, Maureen? You called her SHORTY didn’t you?) and he has literally put words in Tati’s mouth since forever. Reminds me of the words in that Black Eyed Peas song; “How do you get all those words, all those words inside your mouth…” It’s gotten such that Dutty doesn’t care for money any more. Either this dude has gone and turned communist or he is selling Tatiana some crazy brand of fertilizer. Also, that’s one person less for Mike Ezra to worry about.
If he meant it he would have taken the place of one of the nominees ( False Akon and Jackie Bauer).
He thinks his fling with the squirrel should have a movie made out of it. With action figures and tee-shirts that scream, “I LOVE ME SOME SQUIRREL”. Tatiana tries to soothe him between sobs saying that women have soft hearts and they forgive easily. That she has been through this before. When? Isn’t this her first foray into Big Brother Africa? With a Tanzanian? With Dreadlocks? The bull just keeps piling up.
Elsewhere in a house we all know, the contestants were asked to prepare a dish for a mystery guest. Is it Straka? The housemates called their effort cuisine MANGZUT. And they also had to design an invitation card for said guest (Bobi Wine? Gaetano? Moi???). Their effort resulted in something that looked like a rainbow painted by a madman.
The housemates also had to make their own utensils out of clay. Yeah, South African clay is the hygienic kind. You can eat off it… hell, you can eat it.
Speaking of food, Maureen was paired with Bertha in the meal preparing task in a move that had us all watch with baited breath every time Bertha held a knife.
Maureen declared that she would go to Malawi to see Code. Whatever for? The money is here! The breakfast guys on Hot 100 say that Maureen’s boyfriend out of the Big Brother house was not pleased with Code touching Mau all over. Guess the Penthouse visit by the two had “far-reaching consequences” (heh).
Bertha is probably out this week, and Kwaku is going to be up for nomination this coming week… I figure Code will nominate Richard as will Ofunneka, but what do I know?
If I had my way, these are some of the headlines you’d see: Double Loss Mazongoto! First the dime, then the dame! Max-imum Loss. Okay, here’s the article now…I just love how things played out last week, don’t you? Max’s eviction was facilitated by pretty much the whole continent. The only people that didn’t want him out were his countrymates. I can’t blame them; I wouldn’t want that dude back in my country either.
His second eviction was brought on by himself. “What second eviction?” I hear you ask, well, his little stint in the house went and sullied things between him and his fiancé and girlfriend of four years. Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting, Suli!
Zambia’s The Post interviewed her and she said she too had evicted him from her heart. Not in those words.
She stated: “He slept with Lerato in his sober state and how do I take that as a lady?”
I’m guessing “Badly”.
No lady wants to see their man get it on with a South African Hippo. Are we to assume that he never used to sleep with her (Suli) in his sober state? The nerve! Or was that something only she was entitled to? Wow! Zambian women are… different!
The article further said that Max figures that if Lerato leaves (“if”? Are you kidding me? That girl’s parents have seats with their names engraved on them at the Podium of Eviction!) then he sees the money going to… MAUREEN!!
In light of this I am willing to let my guard down. I have assessed the situation and I think I have gotten over being bored by Maureen. Coffee has helped to a certain degree. In as much as I am over at Team Maureen, I am still absolutely crazy about Bertha! If anyone at DSTv is reading this, let’s hook up and mass-produce Pro-Maureen merchandise. Here’s a thought: “MAUREEN NAMATOVU; UGANDA’S CURE FOR THE COMMON CODE”. And yes, I want something in return.
Bertha and Lerato have taken to gossiping about our representative and her boo, which is just wrong. They have also taken to imitating the way Code speaks, which is just silly. Lerato says the two (Mau and Code) are at the “doff” level, which is The Hoarse Whisperer’s way of saying they are stupid. You know the drill, this life-form must go! Yes, I know Bertha also said some nasty and somewhat snobbish things, but she’s Jackie Bauer dammit! She says what she wants and gets away with it.
This week was back to school week. The housemates were tasked with being schoolboys and schoolgirls… and school-Lerato’s. Tatiana was the head girl and she had powers. Not the super kind, but she could dispense punishment any which way. Yeah, if Tatiana were in my school, I would have wanted her to “punish” me. The housemates were split into teams/ dorms, probably a move that Biggie figured would ease the tension in the house… and for kicks they were allowed to play pranks on their rivals.
No prizes for guessing who the lead Prankster was: Dutty Dreads!
The housemates were also tasked with putting viewers to the test by discussing alternative sources of energy. Sources such as Bertha! In what many a viewer may have considered “shocking”, Maureen did not say, “back home our Pastors produce electricity from their hands.” I thought the aim of Big Brother was to create awareness and such.
In other news, the Angolan Squirrel and Dutty Dreads got the Penthouse to themselves. Awesome. Tatiana was prepared for the night; she packed candles and lingerie for her Penthouse visit! Lord knows you don’t want to be stuck in a dark Penthouse when the power company strikes!
And then they had sex! And had little squirrel babies with highlighted (or is that “highlit”?) dreadlocks and lived happily ever after in the house that Biggie built. Or at least that’s what we expected. The reality was thus: Candle-lit dinner which makes Tatiana “too tired” to put on her G-string (all those calories lost? Hell no!) so she asks Richard to do it. She also says she figures she has lost her boyfriend (but Richard is right there. Oh, that other guy.) and then, No Sex! See, this show is not so bad after all, in any other show (like say, Side Mirror) any other guy would have gotten it on with the squirrel. Or Tatiana.
The news that I’m sure you all know by now (reported in that incredible journalistic style that some critic loves) is that there’ll be no eviction this week. Which is just awesome seeing as I made no prediction last week. So technically, I was right. As was Offunneka who smelt a rat.
With any luck this week will see Lerato and Kwaku nominated. It would be super-cool if Bertha was thrown in just for fun.
Update: At the time this went to the wonderful printing place, Maureen was Head Of The House. This throws a spanner into the whole nomination process, considering that Awfulnekka and Kwaku can not be nominated given that they have been evicted already (supposedly) then Maureen and Code’s Penthouse visit will be messed up…ugh, the madness of Biggie!
Last week I was kidding. I mean, who actually thought Moli was leaving the house, right? To believe that would mean that I misjudged Africa. That I assumed that we, as a continent were drawn to lewd behaviour. Excited by adultery and such. Yet, we are all moral. There is hope for us yet. The Ethics and Integrity ministry can rest easy knowing that we do not watch Big brother for the naked ladies. If we did, Meryl would still be inside that house. I did say that Richard and Tatiana would be up for eviction…
Meryl is out, so quite naturally our hearts went out to Kwaku. How would he live without her? Had they not formed a bond so strong? Was not their friendship going places? What right did we as a continent have to put them asunder? It doesn’t matter because Kwaku is back on his feet again and in his bed… with Bertha! I know I’ve stated before that Bertha is playing this thing brilliantly, but this…this is just deliciously evil!
Holy Cow! (Which is what some blasphemous viewer with text sending prowess called Lerato) The story doing rounds is that Max and Lerato did the dirty deed. Max possessed himself some knowledge carnal of Lerato… Max and Lerato…had…sex! I can’t really verify the authenticity of this because of some dude at UMEME turned Big Brother and evicted the electricity from our neighbourhood.
The penthouse (which Lerato has had more terms of office in than an African president) had some other activities going on. Biggie went and stood in the way of happiness and joy and threw Max’s favourite rapper in there with them. His name? Hip Hop Pants-on-fire. Sorry, I misheard that, its Hip Hop Pantsula.
Up for eviction this week are Dutty Dreads, The Angolan Squirrel and Max. The housemates actually seem to have figured it’s a brilliant strategy to nominate the head of the house this time round. Lerato (The Hoarse Whisperer) was actually up for eviction but chose to save herself and place Tatiana (Angolan Squirrel) on the chopping block. She claimed that it was because the “Squirrel” put them in hot soup and landed them a punishment. The discerning viewer knows better. The “Whisperer” has “nugu!”
The divisions in the house have seenthe birth of the “coalition of the scheming” featuring Max, Lerato, Kwaku and Bertha who consider themselves superior to the rest. So much so, they figure no one outside this clique of theirs will become Head Of the House. (are you kidding me? Not even Maureen? )
In typical clique fashion, they stick together, drink together and say nasty things together. It may have been the alcohol…or the heat from the Jacuzzi that made them say that Tatiana doesn’t understand English or whatever is going on.
As luck would have it, Max, also known as the continent’s biggest gossip is digging his grave each time he opens his mouth. During the Jacuzzi session he proposed a toast for the final four. Something tells me he thought he was part of said final housemates. Let’s not forget this is the guy that composed a ring tone imploring you to pick your phone because your friend with AIDS was calling. This dude would not know sensitivity if it came and punched him in the mouth.
Speaking of mouths (I hate that word!)… the word LOVE slid out of Richard and Tatiana’s. And they were not saying, “I just LOVE what you’ve done with your hair”. The two expressed their feelings for each other leaving us the $100,000 question, “what about their partners on the outside?”
I suppose the answer is that they love the money.
Biggie on his part tried to alleviate the tension by asking the housemates to put together a circus show. He went as far as giving Richard an alien mask (all the better to hide your hair, Dutty) and Ofunnekka a fart-sound-generating “thingy”
Yeah, that should give her the gas she needs to develop joy and happiness.
After last week’s turn of events I am a little hesitant to predict who will be leaving the house. I could play it safe, by saying one of the couples in the house will be split, but where is the fun in that? It’s easier to say none of the nominees will go out. That a new housemate will be brought in and then after I’m proven wrong, write yet another sheepish disclaimer. Although, truth be told, Max NEEDS to leave!!
The writing is on the wall. Its not so much that I have a thing against the Ugandan Housemate or the fact that she wears sweaters like some sort of second skin, but it all comes down to this; Maureen is out.
The Code Factor
This is not the African way, say some viewers. I agree. The African way involves a game called “Buy me Credit and Chicken and we shall see where this goes”. As it is, there are no restaurants or phones, so, Tough Luck. On Wednesday night the two locked lips in a move pundits liken to putting words in someone’s mouth. But what do pundits know? A viewer described the scene as ” eugh-ish“. That’s basically the sound you make when you step on a slug before it melts completely.
The “Hug Factor”.
If you watched the eviction show, you know what I mean. Who in their right mind hugs the person that stabs them in the back? If that’s how life worked, there would be no reason to go to war.
“Hey, you destroyed my city, come ‘ere and give me a hug you terrorist of no significance to this article…”
The Bore Factor
Moving on, there’s the inescapable fact that she is boring. One viewer noted that she never follows through with what she begins to say. Its like I start discussing the inadequacies, basically if I was to write or, no, back to the Job at hand…actually, you know what, forget that, what I’m trying to say is she makes as much sense from time to time as this paragraph does.
Of course there’s also the odd chance that Richard will be evicted instead. And I mean really ODD. To his credit, he composed the first African Ringtone that features the words “potion” and “motion”. You go Dutty Dreads!
This week saw him promise the Angolan Squirrel he would solve “their problem”. Yet again, I found myself doubting that said problem involved hair care products. Anyway, the long and short of it was exposed when Dutty (Richard, catch up!) went into the Diary Room and asked Biggie for Corn Dogs. Or at least that’s what Happily Married Africans wanted to believe until he asked whether there was some private place where the cameras didn’t pry. Not getting it yet? He asked for condoms!
The two kissed on Wednesday night as well in what’s shaping up to be a nominee trait.
Speaking of not getting any…Lerato’s attempts at getting up close and personal with Max were shot down in flames whilst in the Penthouse. That. Dude. Is. Smooth! I suppose this is one event the South African Events Coordinator failed to , uh, coordinate. Not all hope is lost though, Max told Code that he thought she was a really good person. Yeah, whatever!
Code felt obliged to offer some input. He said Bertha was shady. Well, Code, you have ugly hair!
Kwaku was not left out on Wednesday’s spree as he was kept abreast of what was going on from under Meryl’s top.
In other Big Brother News, Biggie gave the housemates a task involving a box locked with a padlock and loads of keys. The housemates were split into two teams; Nocturnals and Super Sleepers. They also competed to see who could do the most sit ups.The housemates let on during their diary room sessions that were not too amused that they had to stay awake for so long.
In my opinion it was nothing to lose sleep over.
And the nominees are…
I’m guessing its going to be Richard and Tatiana this time round… with a Meryl for good measure. I seriously think Ofunneka becomes temporarily invisible during the nomination hour.
Incidentally, if I’m wrong about Maureen, she can invite me over to her place when she comes back with the money then kick me out to make amends.
Justice was served!! And now the recap begins properly.
This week had the housemates dress up in 70’s garb and don accents from I don’t know where. It was amusing at first, but it slowly started to lose its novelty. My emotions turned swiftly from ” I will not bat an eyelid lest I miss something” to ” I want to strangle someone with their wig”. That said, I will dwell on the other cool things…
Weight a minute…
Lerato ended up in the Penthouse again. I’m not complaining or anything, I’ll leave that to the bath-tub that endures her weight, but surely there’s a more deserving housemate…
The Shortcomings Of Justice
The Eviction show was surprisingly worth watching. I liked that Jeff’s mum said her son was there to stay. Am I the only one that figured Justice’s stay in the house would be SHORT lived? He said he saw it coming. Apparently he wanted to be evicted. The 100 grand was not really on his mind in the SHORT term. Isn’t it a little disorienting though knowing that a cross section of a continent doesn’t like you, that you fall SHORT of their expectations?
Was Maureen was served the penal Code? (Will my editor run this?)
Code says the kiss they shared didn’t do it for him and so he wasn’t interested in engaging in sexual intercourse with the Ugandan housemate. Maureen on her part said she could tell that Code was after sex, but she told him to wait. Awesome, Maureen believes that True Love Waits, she should partner with Martin Sempa and put some sense in these kids.
Maureen’s stay in the house hangs in the balance because Bertha decided to save Meryl and replace her with our own. Damn You BERTHA! You awesome woman you! What we have going against us is the fact that we voted against Kenya, so naturally, even on the off chance that Kenya didn’t have to support their own (because, face it, he isn’t really interesting), we are not really BFF’s anymore (BFF- Best Friend’s Forever).
Tanzania voted against Kenya last week in an indication that our solidarity is as real as the Easter Bunny. Its like we collectively looked at the nominees and said, “East African federation my butt!”.
Viewers are not particularly pleased with the way Maureen is throwing herself at Code. Apparently it’s not the “Way Of The Female.” I don’t know what to make of this seeing as I know many people that have to pry themselves lose of the grip of many a woman every night…in Capital Pub, The Rocks and that ka-street around Club Silk.
Going by the strap band that displays viewers’ texts, Zimbabwe doesn’t fancy Uganda for the simple reason that Maureen doesn’t like Bertha. That’s just fickle. If you’re going to hate her for something, let it be the fact that she wears sweaters all the time.
Nigeria on the other hand is crazy about us. I don’t know whether this is a good thing. This kind of thing will have people at immigration wondering why we are so close all of a sudden…speaking of close…
Tatiana and Richard are incredibly close. The Housemates and viewers across Africa are sure that what these two are up to is a little more sinister than comparing notes on which hair products to use. During the course of the week Richard went into sulk mode, can’t say that I blame him, and Tatiana came over to console him and invite him to party. He played hard to get but finally gave in to the charms of the Angolan Squirrel.
I have a strong feeling that Maureen will survive this week’s nomination, which is a shame if you’re Jeff’s mum. The lady was earning herself some serious Flier Miles off this show.
Bertha is probably going to be up for eviction next along with, dare I say it, And yes, I said “probably”. I’m not a soccer analyst, so I can get away with guess-work.
